Week Three: What is Sleep Again?

I know a thing or two about sleep, and I’m not just speaking of the way I successfully got 8-9 hours of sleep each night pre-baby. I did, and it was glorious (and necessary). However, I also took a class in grad school on sleep: Sleep, Surrender, and Sabbath. I read Dr. William Dement’s book on sleep in its entirety, and I became an avid advocate for sleep amidst a sea of sleep-deprived friends and family.

I know sleep (but I will spare you all the lectures I have prepared for those who underestimate the power of sleep), which is why I know that it is completely normal for me to feel terribly and horribly out of sorts during this “what is sleep again?” phase of motherhood. Week three was so much better on many other counts- his nursing has gone from a D- the first week, to a C the second week, to a B+ the third week. Serious improvement.

However, the lack of sleep aspect of my new life becomes compounded as the days go by, resulting in an episode last Thursday evening during which I thought I might actually go crazy if I did not sleep more than 3 hours in a row- THAT NIGHT! So, I pumped and AJ fed Briggs with a bottle, and I slept SEVEN hours in a row. Now, perhaps only new moms will fully appreciate the significance of that statement. And again the next night, I slept nearly the same amount!

One might think this put me in mommy heaven. And it did, to a certain extent. I was much more productive in the days following, but as grateful as I was for those two 7-hour stints (which, I might remind you, is still less than I was sleeping PER NIGHT prior to baby), my “what is sleep again?” headache remains with me. The arithmetic of sleep during this period of my life reveals severe sleep deprivation. This, as I learned from Dr. Dement, is my sleep debt.

And let me tell you….I owe a BIG sleep debt to myself.

So the moral of my third week sleep story is this: Although I am sleeping for longer stretches after re-arranging my routine and attitude toward feeding Briggs vs. my personal need for sleep, I am still utterly and completely tired. Mostly all the time.

I love Briggs; I love holding him, whispering loving thoughts as I gaze at his beautiful face. I love being his mom. But I do NOT love the lack of sleep- and I don’t believe there is any need to sugar coat this aspect of motherhood, because sleep is important. This is what I know about myself: I am a better person when I sleep well, and no amount of loving affection will erase my physiological sleep debt.

So here’s to all the ways that poetic sayings like, “love makes us do crazy things,” and “it’s worth it in the end,” and “believe it or not, you will miss this phase” get new mothers through the “what is sleep again?” stage of parenting.

Make no mistake, poetic thoughts are nice (perhaps necessary for some) but the need to attend to my sleep debt deserves my full attention, and I will continue to take sleep as seriously as I learned in my grad school course.

Here's my poetic plea: Sleep, please come back soon, I miss you.