Something changed... even when I don't feel like it.

Something changed the day I became a pastor, just like something changed the day I became a mom.

I can describe it best in saying I acquired this profound realization that I am a pastor...even when I don't feel like it. In much the same way, I realized the SECOND Briggs was born that I will forever be a mom, even when I don't feel like it.

Take yesterday for example. I wasn't feeling in my best mood driving to church- but guess what? When I arrived at church, I was Pastor Emily. It's a job, yes. But it's also a calling...and in some ways it actually makes for more authentic ministry when I assume my pastor cap (or stole as it may be), especially on the days I don't feel like it. I suppose it's like this because in the end, my ministry is not so much about how I feel on any given day, it's about God- and God's work in our lives. It's about being real in the presence of God and hoping others feel welcome to this same posture of humility....and let me tell you, there's nothing more humbling than preaching when you don't feel much like being a pastor that day.

And yet God uses me, and on what was perhaps one of my least "cheerful" days, I sensed God's spirit moving and working in the midst of our congregation in a very real way, despite my fleeting feelings.

Or take this morning- after hosting family and friends for an (unexpected, yet delightful) lake day following church, I got to bed late and woke up early to a hungry baby. Did I feel like getting out of bed? Absolutely not!!! But I'm a mom now, and it's par for the course. I don't get to choose to sleep in some days just because I stayed up a little later than normal. I'm a mom, whether I feel like it or not. Although Briggs is still too young to understand any grumpy words, I'm finding myself ever-more mindful than even 4 month-old babies likely pick up on emotional cues. So whether I feel like it or not, I recognize the need to be a loving and consistent mom who exudes the same humility of calling that my pastoral role evokes in me.

And I trust that God uses me, as a pastor and a mother, despite all my occasional feelings to the contrary. This does not mean that I completely disregard my personal feelings, but rather that I accept them, process them, and make a conscious choice to allow God to use me anyway.

Many things about my identity have changed over the past four months, and yet I'm still just me. Emily the daughter, sister, wife, and friend- who is now also Emily the pastor and mom.

It suits me, even when I don't feel like it.

17 days & a few lessons

I've been at this Pastor Mom business a whopping 17 days, and already I've gleaned a few lessons from my experience. My baby is sleeping, so I'll get right to the point...

1. A work-from-home and on-the-road Pastor Mom must be okay with variable and undefined working hours. This creates a number of scenarios:

• Church meetings occasionally supersede my desire to put my baby to bed every night.
• If Briggs comes along on a pastoral visit, I must either plan accordingly for nap time or deal with a cranky baby.
• Saturdays spent completing a sermon and Sundays spent preaching & engaging congregants makes for less than relaxing weekends.
• Consequently, I must learn to accept and appreciate a mid-week "week-end."
• Getting into the groove of sermon-writing happens when I least expect it (not only when Briggs is napping) thus I need to be prepared to record my thoughts at any given time.

2. Speaking of sermon writing, this elusive--impossible to justify the time I spend-- art of delving into God's Word, hoping for a few words of my own to illuminate the scripture each Sunday. This, my friends who have never had the privilege of writing a sermon, can be excruciatingly time-consuming & burdensome (my friends who have will likely relate). Take for example my sermon prep last week. I read the text (over and over), consult a few commentaries and reflections, write my thoughts down, think about it all week long in the context of my congregation (including during what would otherwise be leisurely walks or sleep-filled early hours of the morning), then on Friday afternoon while Briggs is napping I erase my previous thoughts and write more. Finally on Saturday I tweak and re-tweak my sermon until I say a prayer of blessing and print it. Done- that is until I hear a few nuances during the Sunday morning reading itself (as I’m reading the text, by the way) and ad lib these thoughts into the manuscript.

Why does it take so much time, you ask? I ask the same question, and here are my thoughts...

• I am essentially trying to do the impossible, which is give explanation of God's Word to folks who can also read God's Word for themselves just fine. This is said with the understanding that God's Word is a source of light and truth for all who read in the Spirit of God, only my congregants expect that my 3+ years of training have somehow endowed me with a slightly more direct line to this light and truth. This, I suppose, it what we refer to as a calling.
• Whenever I attempt to write down my thoughts, I am often struck by the realization that perhaps what I am saying is not what God is saying. Humans attempting to explain God? Yep, you get the difficulty. It's a delicate balance of allowing God's Word to speak THROUGH my words, rather than claiming to speak the Word of God directly.
• I find myself wondering if I am attempting to make the Word of God accommodate my agenda. We pastors all have biases, and whenever I re-write my sermon, it's because I sense that I have attempted to make God's Word say what I want, rather than what God's Word is truly saying. And here I am left ever-wondering, all week long, am I being true to the text?

3. This post is getting long, and I suspect I have already lost a few disinterested folks, so I will end by saying that I rely on my husband as a source of love and acceptance SO much as both a Pastor and Mom. Thus, I am learning to be particularly intentional about creating space to nurture our marriage and prayer life. Home and the people I love (including this cute little guy below) are truly the wellspring of energy and resolve I need in this crazy journey of being Pastor Mom.

The Kid is Alright.

I'm a Pastor Mom now, and Briggs is subsequently (by no choice of his own) a Pastor's Kid.

This reality is a major consideration within my career choice, and it comes with certain implications (in any church, of course, not specifically my present congregation)... Yes, Briggs will receive all sorts of attention from church members, which is absolutely wonderful! 

But it also means:

1. As Briggs ages, he will have many eyes on his development- some of which may be a bit (unintentionally, of course) overly eager, if you catch my drift.

2. Briggs will have to adjust his schedule each Sunday morning to accommodate Mommy's work, with the aforementioned attention cutting into his regular nap time.

3. As we begin a Sunday School program, Briggs will be the rain or shine child in attendance, making him my default "answer-er."  (Can anyone say, "Jesus!")

4. I am already aware of the implications being a Pastor's Kid has for teenagers. Before we know it, Briggs will be testing the waters, adding an interesting dynamic to the "all eyes on Briggs" situation.

5. As the sole baby in church, Briggs is destined to be cherished, spoiled, and held by more adoring adults than the average child.

And despite all these considerations (and after 4 days of more attention than he could imagine during the 4th of July weekend), Briggs slept nearly 14 hours last night, waking up with this smile, letting me know he is going to be alright.

Yes, my dear little one (or as AJ reminded me I often say... "sweet honey child"), you are in for a ride of a lifetime, and your mommy prays that being a pastor's kid only adds to your loveliness.