As a pastor, the Advent season has become increasingly
important to me. I especially appreciate the tension we hold as Christians in
the waiting period. We have hopes of joy for sure, but we are also honest about
the pain in the world, the pain in our own lives. And this tension of Advent is
particularly poignant for me as I travel through Advent this year...pregnant.
I've been waiting to write a jolly story of how the first
few months of pregnancy were unpleasant, but nearing Christmas now I'm feeling awesome!
Only that moment hasn't come for me, and I feel it's important to speak during
Advent with an honest heart.
This pregnancy has been really rough. I'm nearly 17 weeks, and for three months now,
I can recall no more than 2 days in which my physical health was in really good
shape. In addition to the pregnancy ills, my immune system has been no match for the (seemingly endless) bugs and infections that come my way. This is not meant as a complaint exactly (heaven and AJ know I've done
enough of that!), because I am aware of the sweet joy and privilege inherent in
carrying new life into this world. I do think, however, that if I didn't write
of the pain associated with this pregnancy, I would be holding something back
from the joy as well. In Advent, we hold joy and pain together, a reality that
has encouraged me in my pregnant Advent,
relating with Mary more than ever before.
I really am filled with joy at the prospect of new life entering
our family, and on those two days when I felt well enough, my heart swelled
with more emotion than I thought possible. But the reality of experiencing
bodily pain (at least for me), is how difficult it makes seeing beyond the fog
of the present. I want to dream about Briggs as a big brother, but it's hard to
rip my focus from what has become a daily goal: survival. I share this with
you in an attempt to be honest with myself, in hopes that it gives other miserably
pregnant woman a sense of comfort (in a world that often expects us to be happy no matter what), and in the spirit of sharing more than the
"happy-go-lucky" images we often project on social media.
And so I wait, in the pain of my pregnant Advent, hoping for
the day in which I sense the light of Christ shining in more and more clearly.
Here's one thing I've learned: I covet the prayers of those who pray, because
although I can sometimes pray for others during these months, it's really
difficult to find the words to pray for myself.
Thanks for reading, thanks for caring, and thanks for praying. Even
amidst the pain, I have so much true joy! Case in point: the little guy right next to me, smelling like his dad's deodorant (don't ask) and dancing to Adele! May we all find ways to allow the hope of Christ fill our spirits, even amidst the pain life brings.
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| My growing boy! |
