My Pregnant Body: The Reverse Perspective at 34 weeks

A few weeks ago I decided to write honestly about the real physical and emotional struggle that exists for so many pregnant women, including myself. And although what I shared is true and necessary to express, I've been thinking the reverse perspective is equally important to more accurately report on my experience of pregnancy.

So here's what I failed to express in my last post...the sensation of tiny hands and feet pushing against my insides is truly amazing. In fact, I'm brought to tears just writing about it. It's the one "physical symptom" that I never tire of feeling. Even when those little legs catch the edge of my ribs or little hands push against my bladder, I smile. Well, at first I might startle a bit at the sudden twinge...but it's so remarkable to be reminded that all the other physical symptoms aren't just phantom feelings...they mark the presence of a miracle growing inside.

This morning, for example, after being awoken by my darling 2 year old (who takes it upon himself to hand me my glasses and phone each morning with a "here you go!"), I felt the little one pushing quite strongly in opposite directions, as if to get in a few morning stretches before the day began. It's a phenomenal feeling, which is why I know it's a necessary part of the pregnancy experience to share.

Here's the main reason I feel the need to balance my pregnancy reporting with this phenomenon: It's the one physical experience that actually inspires me to think beyond the pregnancy itself. From the first flutters to the final ninja kicks, each movement of this little one instantly reminds me that pregnancy isn't forever....and that is really, really exciting! :)

The rolls and waves of baby parts in my belly jump-start my imagination. And I begin to wonder...Will you have long fingers on those tiny hands? Will your legs be chunky or slender? Will you have any hair when you first emerge? Will we get the hang of nursing right away- or will it require some serious effort? And the questions go on and on. It's the kind of pondering that brings me to believe the pregnancy will be worth it after all. And let me tell you, right about now that is a true blessing!

So keep kicking, little one, and remind me that soon enough this pregnancy will be over and a whole new set of challenges and joys will begin!

Me smiling to remind myself that it's all worth it in the end!

My Pregnant Body: Breaking an Uncomfortable Silence

This week my OB said rather casually, “You have the perfect body for pregnancy,” and while a part of me relished in hearing the words “perfect” and “body” directed my way, I nearly laughed out loud.

Because my body feels anything but perfect right now, and every visit to the doctor finds me attempting to get this across; yet I’m always made to feel as if I should walk into my appointment with a glowing report of health….because, after all, my body is perfect for pregnancy.

I know my OB meant well, and he was merely making a physiological statement about my anatomy, but that one statement has plenty of social-emotional ramifications; as I lay awake last night, hungry with heartburn, I began to wonder about what we imply when both men (who’ve never actually experienced pregnancy) and even women (who have) gloss over the icky details of it all.

In trying to unpack my personal reaction to my well-intentioned OB, I realize a statement as simple as “you have the perfect body for pregnancy” makes me feel that my sacrifice, my endless list of physical symptoms, and my emotionally-conflicted sentiment around pregnancy is trivial, unwarranted, exaggerated, or any combination thereof. 

In essence, this is what I hear being conveyed: “No complaining, dear, you could have it much worse!” And so we miserably pregnant women cope in uncomfortable silence (or feel guilty when we “complain”), assuming others must surely be more miserable than we. And coincidently, depression is a very real thing in the life of many pregnant women, even those who may be given empty assurance that health is on their side.

Still the question remains: what makes a body perfect for pregnancy? If it’s one that doesn’t get rippling varicose veins, throbbing pools of blood in the ankles when standing, sharp back pain after sitting for too long, and pain from a sciatic nerve that spasms whenever it jolly well feels like it…then let me assure you, my body is NOT perfect for pregnancy.

Need more verification? So far into these thirty-two weeks of pregnancy, I’ve had a stomach bug or food poisoning 6 times, nausea (seriously for 18 weeks, less seriously for the remainder), headaches, backaches, leg aches, endless sinus infections, heart burn, extreme exhaustion, multiple urinary tract infections, emotional volatility, feelings of emptiness, and probably hundreds of other more minor issues. Why air all my pregnant dirty laundry? Because if I don’t, and if more women don’t, we continue to live under the assumption that surely our suffering isn’t worth talking about.

If our OB wants to gloss over the details, society doesn’t want to hear what’s negative about pregnancy, and even our spouses can only handle so much of it before they reach sensory overload…how else will we start to appreciate a pregnant woman’s need for honest, non-judgmental spaces in which our struggles are validated and taken seriously?

And so I share my pregnant body story with you as an attempt to break the uncomfortable silence that we women often feel burdened to keep due to societal pressure to “glow,” the un-ladylike (or some may even say unholy) nature of calling something as sacred as child-bearing “miserable,” and the undeniable reality that some women struggle to simply get pregnant (and thus know pain of a very different sort).

I can say that it’s been liberating for me to hear the stories of other women who have dealt with difficult pregnancies, especially with their second child, and so I hope the same for anyone who hears mine.  Each of our stories is unique and needed to paint a more realistic picture of the struggles associated with (both absent and present) pregnancies.

Most significantly for this pastor mom, I believe Jesus affirms my struggle, because in struggle we relate a little more closely to the man who knew there is no resurrection without a crucifixion. New life comes at a price- and I believe we can appreciate new life even better when the struggle beforehand is appropriately known.

Now excuse me as I attempt to find something to satisfy my simultaneous hunger, nausea, and heartburn. Cheesecake: that ought to make me glow!