Torn in Two

It's been awhile since I've written, mostly because I've been carefully balancing my desire for a social existence and my deep need for sleep...all while caring for two really cute, yet really demanding kiddos!

But since one is sleeping and the other is soothing his hand, foot, & mouth illness with a little Daniel Tiger, I've decided to write again.

I took a look at a calendar this morning, and it dawned on me...I only have 3 weeks left of maternity leave. This reality calls up for me plenty of emotion. Maternity leave (during my coherent moments, at least) has been an experience of feeling torn....

Torn between two kids who both legitimately need my attention, often at the same time.

Torn between needing to rest and recuperate and the impulse to return to normal activity levels.

Torn between a desire to care for myself and my children- and a desire to stay connected with the folks at church.

Torn between sleeping and cleaning.
Torn between sleeping and coffee.
Torn between sleeping and chatting.
Torn between sleeping and engaging the really pertinent issues going on in the world.

Okay, I think I've made my point; I've spent much of the last several weeks feeling torn, and I'm pretty sure this won't change when I return to work.

I will continue feeling torn between two (often competing) desires to be a mom and be a professional. Yes of course these roles can co-exist, I know this from personal experience....but what I haven't yet experienced is how these roles co-exist as a mother of two and the pastor of a church with growing membership.

And since I am firmly committed to breastfeeding and close contact between baby and mom,  I'm torn between the need for mental and physical freedom to perform my role as pastor well, and the intrinsic need to be close to Blaire during this vital first year.

So I've decided that in three weeks, when I return again to my role as pastor, Blaire will accompany me in my work as often as possible. Although I had this experience to a degree with Briggs, I intend on attempting to bring Blaire along even more so than I did the first time around.

I guess this post is both a moment for personal processing, as well as a call to compassion from myself and my church family as I ease back into the role of pastor. I've already been blessed with paid maternity leave, and I am confident in my church's flexible expectations of me as I learn once again how to do both the pastor and mom thing well- now with two children constantly on my mommy radar.

May God grant the wisdom and grace to deal with feelings of being torn- for me and for all women who encounter this challenge all the time, the world over.

This girl has my heart, especially when she sleeps.