My Final Week

This is my final week of life as I know it.

And I was just getting acquainted with the whole stay-at-home mom routine. Even so, I’m SUPER excited to formally begin my call as the pastor of the Congregational Christian Church of Columbia, SD. July 1 is my start date, and although that seemed quite far off when I selected it, that date is now exactly 1 week away! So many emotions accompany this life transition to Pastor Mom.

A decent-sized part of me feels anxious…

·         About the challenge of balancing mommy-time and pastor-time quickly headed my way.

·         About the need to share care-giving responsibilities for Briggs with others.

·         About what my house will look like once I begin working.

·         About the need to maintain full focus in pastoral duties while constantly mindful (or overly attentive) of my identity as a new mother.

·         About the many (inevitable) challenges awaiting me in the role of congregant leader.

And yet an even greater-sized part of me feels grateful…

·         Extremely grateful for 4 months of 100% mommy time to study, enjoy, and bond with Briggs, our new little creation. I cannot adequately express how valuable this time has been for me (and hopefully for Briggs).

·         For a church call that will mesh well with having a family (and for the warm welcome we have already received as a family within the congregation).

·         For the opportunity to re-activate my pastoral skills and passions- and a routine that structures my time more efficiently.

·         For a husband who not only supports me, but is eager to take on the role of pastor’s husband (a rare find, to be sure).

·         For a God who is our ultimate care-taker as I go about the task of joining God’s good work in my family, my community, and my congregation.

When I first started dating AJ, he selected this scripture and created a little gift utilizing it, a gift that remains a significant source of assurance to me as I contemplate my role as pastor mom. I will end this blog (and the adjoining era of my life) with this thought from the Apostle Paul…

Such confidence we have through Christ before God.  Not that we are competent in ourselves to claim anything for ourselves, but our competence comes from God.  He has made us competent as ministers of a new covenant—not of the letter but of the Spirit; for the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life. (2 Corinthians 3: 4-6)

May my confidence and competence as a pastor and mom reflect the truth that Christ’s new covenant calls us to an ever-renewed life, a promise the Spirit of God upholds on our behalf. Praise be to God for life transitions and the confidence to fully embrace the newness of life.

So how will I spend this final week of life as I know it? Doing exactly what I've been doing, only perhaps I'll take a few extra minutes to love on Briggs.

What DO you DO all day?

It recently came to my attention that my (supportive & affirming) husband is unclear about what occupies my time “all day long.” To be clear, he did not ask me this; rather, he was asked this by another, and it was hard for him to respond. Instead of allowing this pesky question to bend me out of shape, I have decided to answer it for the benefit of all who have never experienced staying home "all day long" on a consistent basis.

Let me begin by addressing a few hidden questions…

No, I do not watch TV

No, I do not take a nap

No, I do not paint my nails—or otherwise pamper myself—nearly as much as I ought.

Had you dropped in on me any given day this past week, you may have found me…

v  Sorting, washing, drying, folding, & sorting again multiple loads of laundry

v  Giving Briggs a bath

v  Taking inventory of our household supplies, creating a list of needed items, and purchasing them with the (slightly distracting) help of an infant alongside

v  Introducing Briggs to the beauty of the outdoors, communicating with him to ensure he develops language capabilities, and playing with him during tummy time

v  Connecting with the outside world and satisfying my extrovert needs via facebook

v  Rearranging our bedding and furniture situation to accommodate the acquisition of a new bed

v  Managing business items pertaining to my new role as a pastor

v  Dusting, vacuuming, tidying, cleaning toilets, washing sinks, removing spider webs

v  Reading books to Briggs so he appreciates this as a life-long skill

v  Sweeping up the crumbs that (not only) I create in the kitchen

v  Holding Briggs, playing and praying with Briggs, reminding Briggs of my constant love and affection

v  Taking a highly-calculated trip into town to drop off recycling, deposit a check, pick up household supplies/prescriptions, and possibly…

v  Nursing Briggs in the back of my vehicle on said “highly-calculated” trip into town

v  Attempting to re-establish Briggs’ schedule after I inevitably mess it up with the “less than calculated” trip into town

v  Gathering and organizing mail and packages, responding to business and personal communication needs, informing my dear husband of schedules and obligations

v  Admiring and appreciating Briggs’ smiles, giggles, and babbling sounds

v  Tracking and managing personal finances, writing checks, calling insurance companies, sorting medical bills

v  Performing the occasional push-up and sit-up

v  Writing this blog, although AJ insists I am not technically a “blogger,” because I am not paid.

v  Cheering when Briggs poops, changing the obvious diaper

v  Weeding the garden, harvesting produce, mowing the lawn, planting flowers, picking up branches

v  Feverishly researching developmental milestones to ensure Briggs is on track

v  Pulling water-logged boat lift tires from the lake

v  Planning and cooking meals that satisfy my never-ending appetite and that of my husband

v  Singing made-up songs to Briggs, many of which are (surprisingly) clever

v  Taking walks with Briggs

v  Attempting to maintain personal health (and hygiene) so I remain productive in my parenting role

v  Putting Briggs down for a nap, getting Briggs up from a nap, putting Briggs down for a nap

Oh…and single-handedly sustaining the life of another human being. That too.

Tummy Time for both of us

The question I feel is more pertinent at this given time is this: “How will I manage to balance all that I currently do with the additional pastoral responsibilities quickly headed my way?” That seems a better question to entertain.

Schedule of a Baby

Or, schedule of a baby’s momma… which are two in the same, as I am quickly discovering.

Let’s talk about a daily schedule- for an infant. For reasons I may never quite understand, Briggs wakes up for the morning, and within an HOUR he needs his first nap of the day. Ha, and I’m talking after anywhere between 8 and 12 hours of sleep in one stretch at night. This momma who loves her sleep was blessed with a baby who also loves his sleep (I have not yet taken this for granted, and I praise our Creator each time I wake up to find a still-sleeping baby).

So why then, after 12 hours of sleep last night (yes, he is only three month old), is he sleeping again at 9am while I write this blog post? I don’t know, but some questions may be better left unanswered (especially after I had my best night yet— 9 hours of uninterrupted sleep. Accept it, Emily. Don’t question the logic). I honestly never thought this day would come, and I’m tearing up a little just writing it. Yes, I love sleep with the best of them!

Briggs will awaken from his first nap after 45 min to 1 hour (after all, how much more could he POSSIBLY need at this point in the day). He will play with me for a little while until I feed him, change his diaper, and set him down to re-discover the many animal friends attached to his playmat. Soon enough, however, he will get a bit cranky, sounding the alarm that it is time for another nap. And this process repeats about 4 times throughout the day. I vary the “play time” with a walk, reading a book, singing, or sitting outside with the trees and the breeze and the birds. I have learned that Briggs also LOVES to watch the ripples of the lake. He gasps a little each time the breeze touches his skin, which is an unexpected delight of mine.

And then it’s time for bed. Again. The days go surprisingly quickly when your baby sleeps for 12 hours. Although it’s not always a full 12 hours, he has been sleeping at least 8 hours since he was two months old, a truth I was reluctant to proclaim in fear that I might jinx his healthy habits. Yet it’s true, like mother like son. We like sleep around here, and although I don’t have a magical routine or recipe for success, I am just thankful that whatever we’ve been doing is working. Trust me, I read a TON of “how to get your baby to sleep” blogs, and this is not one of them. I tried a bunch of things at first, and the best advice I’ve followed is to put your baby down before he/she seems tired. Basically defy logic, and your baby may sleep better.

As I think about being a mom, it’s moments like this that I am SO grateful for this little bundle. Briggs challenges me, brings me delight, gives me focus, and most of all, keeps me honest about routine. Although I may want to play with him longer, or take him on a shopping trip, that baby routine kicks in and reminds me that Briggs’ schedule is a priority (for as long as I want those 9 hours of uninterrupted sleep, that is). I’ll take it, Briggs, your schedule can be my schedule any day!

Pastor Mom

I've been doing quite some reflecting about my blog this week.

You wouldn't know it, I realize, since I missed a post. But I have been thinking about the title: whereigofromhere.

In many ways, this has been a question that has directed both my personal and professional life- for as long as I can remember, life has consisted of one transition toward another (insert a short synopsis of my hop, skip and a jump from school to school-- to Americorps-- to school to school-- to a job (at a school)-- to now).

The fluidity of my life became a norm.

Until recently, with the advent of one really big life jump… to motherhood.

One year ago I began this blog, having no clue that I'd soon consider rocking a sleeping baby my most important work of the day. And I've been thinking it's time for another transition- a more permanent title, if you will, in answer to my own question. I've been going a lot of places and doing many things, and I think I’ve arrived at a destination that suits me:

Pastor Mom.

It suits me. I like the challenge of maintaining the flexibility and varied responsibilities both ministry and motherhood entail. I like it.

Pastor Mom.

As I think about my journey, so many episodes of learning, engaging conversations, daunting experiences, and rewarding relationships have led me to this moment in my life. It’s a destination of sorts, yet it’s also the start of another story.  It’s a story that is both familiar and mysterious.

Pastor Mom. As I repeat this phrase to myself, I am excited and terrified at the same time.

Excited to be able to mesh my personal and professional relationships in the loving environment of a faith community, yet terrified that I will let excellence slip away from my repertoire of expectations both in ministry and parenting. I suppose all working moms have this fear. Three months ago, however, I never thought I'd be able to handle so much as a load of laundry while also caring for an infant,yet I've learned.

I've learned to make the most of my time- not in a "cram as much in as possible" way, but in a "what's most important right now" way. Like holding Briggs. That's pretty darn important if you ask me. And making sure he gets good naps, smiles occasionally, practices motor development, looks at the moving leaves on the trees, engages with people (he is my son, after all), and ends every day knowing how much he is truly loved.  That, for me, is making the most of my time.  And beginning in July, I will have to relearn how to incorporate being a mother (and still doing laundry) while also prioritizing a congregation who has entrusted me into their care.

So regardless of whether or not I use the more permanent blog title: Pastor Mom, I am convinced that this is exactly where I need to be. Forever in the balance between motherhood and ministry, knowing in God’s arms I rest. Let the fun continue!

Me two years ago graduating from seminary- TOTALLY not anticipating the whole "Pastor Mom" bit.

Not a clue...

We are nearly 3 months into this parenting business. Next week, our darling will have hit that momentous age at which he truly comes alive (not in the “definition of life” sense, but in the “leaving the so-called 4^th trimester” sense). I previously acknowledged that my mother’s intuition is strong enough to send me straight to google with questions of all sorts. I’m now three months in, however, and I secretly hoped that perhaps by this time I’d have a clue.

Like, a “built-up” mother’s intuition, or something of that sort.

But so far, not a chance.

I want to say that I “know” my child- as in, I know what his smile looks like, I know that crying means he needs something, I know that he is a baby… oh wait, that’s common knowledge. It’s the details a mother is supposed to know:

What makes him spit up vs. not spit up?

Why does he go from happy to screaming in one second?

How long should he nap?

What are his favorite toys?

If he cries during a nap, does it mean he is still tired or he is ready to wake up?

How much does he eat in one feeding?

Why does he never eat/sleep/play in the same order, despite all attempts at setting a schedule?

Does he thrive best with a schedule or on his own timing?

Why does he go to sleep perfectly at Grandma’s house, yet cry for 1.5 hours in his own crib?

Will he poop today? Five times in one day? Wait five days before pooping?

Does being in active environments tire him out? Over-stimulate him? Both? Neither?

I don’t have a clue.

These might seem like silly questions, but ask any new mom, and they run through our heads constantly (or ask my husband…last night after I mentioned half-a-dozen hypotheses regarding Briggs’ inability to fall asleep, AJ said (tongue-in-cheek) “Or maybe he has an unsolved math problem stuck in his head.” Very funny, AJ.)

People assume I know the answers, which of course I don’t. I will tell you something (quite assuredly) one day, and recant my so-called knowledge the next.

Even so, I have discovered three things for sure:

1. My academic/inquiring nature only serves me well in so far as I don’t go crazy when answers aren’t easily obtained using the “google it” method.

2. As soon as I figure Briggs out, he changes.

3. Briggs knows me and seems content with me as a mother, despite me having no clue.

Oh! and…drive-thru restaurants are a mother’s best friend.

Weighing in on breastfeeding...

See what I did there? I set myself up for expectations that this posting will cleverly discuss the topic of weight and breastfeeding. Clever or not, here goes…

I’d like to begin by celebrating our success as it pertains to breastfeeding. A few short months ago I was singing my woes about mastitis and difficulty lacking. Now he is 11 weeks old and all but bursting out of 6 month clothing. Well done Briggs and Emily’s body, well done.

Despite breastfeeding’s countless benefits to baby and mother, I’d like to discuss a theory I’ve got about weight loss and breastfeeding.

Here’s my theory: Mothers who lose weight easily while breastfeeding are the only breastfeeding mothers eager to discuss weight. Those of us who haven’t experienced breastfeeding as the miraculous weight-loss cure simply remain silent. Until now…

The truth? I weigh more now than I did when Briggs was 3 weeks old. How in the world could this be? It’s fairly simple….appetite.

I’m talking A-P-P-E-T-I-T-E.

I opened a bag of caramel corn as an appetizer for my dinner tonight. After eating watermelon, a hotdog, and chocolate milk, I finished with more caramel corn. Why caramel corn? BECAUSE I’M HUNGRY AND IT WAS ON THE COUNTER (insert cookie monster noises). Why did I buy caramel corn in the first place? BECAUSE I WAS HUNGRY AND IT WAS ON DISPLAY! Why did I do grocery shopping while hungry? BECAUSE I’M ALWAYS HUNGRY.

Okay, I think you get the point. Caramel corn, ice cream, vast amounts of frozen pizza, crackers, chocolate, and basically any easy, high (yet empty) calorie food. That’s my present diet. Those veggies are tucked so nicely into my refrigerator drawer and would require the least bit of prep, so they are obviously out of the question for this hungry hungry momma.

I often seriously ask myself (usually on my walks) why I lack self control when it comes to my diet these days…and my answer is this: For the past five years of my life I maintained a consistent, healthy weight based on the non-dieting principle of eating all things in moderation to my level of hunger. Which makes TOTAL sense when I’m not producing a quart of milk each day. Now that I’ve successfully established my industrious nature as a milk machine, my appetite has followed. So naturally, given my non-dieting principle, I eat to my level of hunger. The thing is, my body seems to be telling me that I’m actually more hungry than need be. Why? I don’t know, it just is.

So here I am with a ravenous appetite and extra pounds. Now, all things considered, I will accept the extra pounds if it means Briggs is happy and healthy, but I would appreciate hearing someone tell me that it’s TOTALLY OKAY for breastfeeding mommas to NOT be skinny. I did read a research article yesterday suggesting that breastfeeding moms actually kept more fat in their tummies, thighs, and arms than non-breastfeeding mothers. Thank goodness for a little science on my side.        

So are a few extra pounds a big deal? No, absolutely not. What is important is that I NOT diet during this special time in my life as the sole sustain-er of our darling Briggs. (I could, however, stand to eat a few more healthy options). Ahh, it feels good to discuss the silent (yet weighty) side of breastfeeding.

Estrogen, I miss you.

I never gave estrogen much thought.

Enter breastfeeding.

Still, estrogen was not on my mind. I did vaguely recall something about needing to avoid birth control containing estrogen while breastfeeding, but I simply brushed this information aside (and categorized it in the "I will revisit this in the chance it affects me" category of my brain).

So now it affects me.

Not the birth control part, I have that covered. It's the strange interplay of breastfeeding and estrogen that has me all worked up this week. See, I've been having symptoms. Weird symptoms.

Like a UTI (and unfortunately I KNOW UTIs), but not really.
Like a yeast infection, but....nope.
Like mastitis....um, still not a match.

After five days of an odd ebb and flow of symptoms, I took to the internet.

Finally, I found a match. Under an article explaining a lack of estrogen due to breastfeeding, all my symptoms started to make sense.

Lethargy, Check. Briggs is sleeping between 7-9 hours a night (in one stretch!), so my sleepiness is no longer due to feeding my infant at night.

Unusual craving for sweets and carbohydrates. (Oh my! A previous post explained), Check.

Dry, relentless itchiness "down there." Check.

A frequent need to urinate (who knew this wouldn't be UTI related!), Check.

Night sweats and day chills. Check.

Short-term memory failure (so I'm not pregnant again, good!) Check.

Headaches and thinning hair (Okay, I expected these two as par for the course of mommyhood). Check and check.

Yes! Although I'm not entirely excited that breastfeeding seems to deplete my estrogen levels to epic lows, I am happy to know that my symptoms are not unusual.

And considering Briggs is in the top weight class for his age (maybe he will be a wrestler, who knows!), I must be producing quite a bit of milk- also a clue that my estrogen is low.

And so I find myself, after visiting with the doctor today, both grateful to be understood and a little unnerved that these symptoms may accompany me so long as I breastfeed. I have to say that if a few of them are managed correctly, the rest are rather subtle, and I will be just fine. But I'm shooting for a year of breastfeeding, folks, so take a look at the list of symptoms once again and send along all kinds of positive encouragement! :)

If only "acting hormonal" was a cute (albeit condescending) saying that meant little, I would take it! Unfortunately, hormones can play a much larger role in a breastfeeding momma's health than I ever realized!

So here's to you women in the same boat as me, wondering if you are going crazy. You're not, but your estrogen levels are. Good thing babies are so darn cute!

And so we pray...

My Dearest Briggs,                                                           May 11, 2014

I write this letter to you the week of your baptism, and as I gaze into your flawless face, I am in awe of the way God has perfectly fashioned you to be our son. You shine with the light of goodness that only God can create. Your dad and I are so in love with you, and yet we know that the world you have entered is not perfect- so we pray…

Briggs, we pray that you discover and appreciate love in this world, through family, community, new faces and familiar friends, and faith in Jesus, the one who gives unconditional love.

We pray that you find strength greater than the challenges you face in life. You are so vibrant as an infant, and we hope that you continue to be the strong little boy (and one day, man) God has created for this world.

We pray that you give of yourself to others. You have already given us so much joy and love, and we believe your life is full of opportunities to share the love of God with whomever you encounter.

We pray that you will be always mindful that you are a capable, worthwhile, and beautiful person created in the image of God. As you live into this truth, we pray you will find ways to be a light when the world seems dark.

We pray that you grow to love Jesus, the author and perfector of our faith. As you gain confidence in yourself, may it always be rooted in the truth that Christ is the one who guides us and gives our lives meaning.

Your dad and I are blessed with this opportunity of growing alongside you as we discover all that God has planned for our family. You are loved, little one, and as I gaze into your innocent eyes, I believe this world is brighter for your presence with us.

Love,

Your adoring mom (and dad) on Mother’s Day.

PS- as a side note, Briggs weighed in today for his 2 month appointment at a whopping 15 lbs. 4 oz. (99th percentile). Seems like his appetite matches his mom's! :) He also measures 24 inches long (84th percentile) and 16 inches head circumference (66th percentile). So grateful for a healthy and happy baby!

Motherhood in the Balance

Briggs is nearly 8 weeks old, and I have yet to write a seven-week update, so here goes.

I had two ideas in mind, the first being entitled: “A Mother’s Intuition?” For this post I was planning on writing how several people have mentioned (or assumed) some sort of mother’s intuition magically presented itself as soon as I had Briggs. For some this may happen, and to you I say congrats. I, on the other hand, respond to the questions regarding differentiating between Briggs’ cries and knowing when to put him down for a nap by saying I have yet to experience a mother’s intuition. In fact, right now my mother’s intuition tells me to “google it” every time I have a question.

Okay, on to this week’s winning post. J

Motherhood in the balance. This week has been an eventful week for me. I completed the ecclesiastical council for the Prairie Lakes Association of the UCC, at which they voted to approve me for ordination, the final step along this journey to ordained ministry. I was emotionally moved by this vote, seeing it as confirmation of a calling I have felt on my life the past 14 years. (That’s half my life, as I think of it). So now that I have a church call and approval for ordination, I am simply waiting until my start date of July 1^st to officially begin my ministry. Until then I get to be full-time mommy and contemplate the balance of adding additional responsibilities when mothering Briggs will continue to be a full-time job (as any mother will attest).

So that is why motherhood is in the balance for me. Not in a “do I do it or not” type of way, but in a “professional/personal” life ambitions sort of way. My professional ambitions are many (and have always been), and currently include ministering alongside the people of Columbia’s church, teaching a course at Presentation College in the fall, and maintaining my social work licensure. In fact, I was offered as many courses as I’d like at PC, and I have to say I was severely tempted to bite off more than I could chew…but my desire to be available for Briggs (particularly in the nursing capacity) is so important, I reluctantly—yet satisfactorily—said no to teaching more courses.

See, I desire to be a really great mom. I know I can’t “stay at home” full time, like many of my delightful counterparts do (often to the advantage of their children). I, however, cannot commit to being away from Briggs for a full-time work week, which many of my diligent counterparts do as necessity in their lives. I am not one to consider any variety of “motherhood” more significant than another, since life takes its course and we as mothers run with it. In particular, it is important to note that economic constraints often pre-determine a mother’s choice, and so prioritizing the welfare of the child takes on many different forms. My version of keeping motherhood in the balance involves saying “yes” to what I feel God most calling me, and saying “no” to what I sense is less important at the moment.

I am fully aware that not every mother is capable of making the “part-time” approach to a professional life a viable option for them, and I know I am fortunate to have flexible expectations in my ministry regarding the amount of time I work from home vs. working in the public domain. I am also grateful for the opportunity to teach one course that I have already taught, giving me many more hours each week to be with Briggs and AJ exclusively (not dividing my time with course prep).

All in all, keeping motherhood in the balance is tricky for everyone; although for me it involves saying no to a few things I would love to add to my life, when life is full—as it most certainly is—I am learning to cherish it rather than attempt to stuff a few more “good” things in.

And in the end, I find myself praying that my attempt at keeping motherhood in the balance will bless Briggs as a child of God. After all, I am convinced that God has selected AJ & I to nurture Briggs on behalf of our parental and loving Creator. It is my hope that both my professional and personal ambitions ultimately work toward introducing Briggs to his Maker every chance I get.

This is a motherhood goal I can commit to 100%.

Week 6: let's talk about cravings

My current life situation: sweets and a sweet baby

You know I’m feeling better when I want to talk about food. First, a one sentence synopsis of motherhood: It becomes more enjoyable every day!

So now, food. Today I went to the grocery store. Normally I would talk about how quickly I sped through the aisles because my mother-in-law was watching Briggs for me and I needed to get home to feed him.

This is true, but today I want to focus on adult food. My diet, specifically. I went into the store with the sole intention of picking up eggs, milk, bananas, and any fruit or veggies that happened to be on sale. Great idea, but executed with difficulty by a breastfeeding mother. I did pick up all those things, but I also went straight to the bakery to pick out the biggest apple fritter I could find. Oh and the chocolate milk was on sale! And well of course the Easter candy was 50% off. What a steal! Normally this would not be an issue, since I tend to eat sweets in moderation. However, this breastfeeding momma will consume every ounce of sugar in sight!

Cravings, ugh.

Often in pregnancy people would ask if I craved something specific, and I would proudly respond, “Not really, just soup and fruit juice, but I already liked those things.” That is exactly what I said every time, happy the craving bug hadn’t bit me. How wonderful.

And then I started breastfeeding. No one told me how many cravings I would have post-pregnancy. To be fair, my sister did inform me that she couldn’t get enough to eat the first few weeks of breastfeeding, so I expected an increased appetite- you know, for all those healthy foods I’d been eating in pregnancy.

Wrong.

So I've stocked up on fruit- the healthy sugar, right? I have strawberries, grapefruit, bananas, grapes, apples, oranges, and pears. What do I eat when I have a sugar craving? Ice cream. Or hot chocolate. Or chocolate milk when I want to feel healthy. Or straight-up chocolate chips when I just don’t care. And oh the quantity! Easter did not help; I cleared my mother’s M&M dish while everyone was chatting. I stopped just shy of asking for seconds on her lemon and raspberry cake (but asked for some to go). I stopped eating the candy whoppers when my teeth started to ache.

I currently do not have a resolution to this cravings issue. Some might say, “live it up, girl!” While others will say, “you’re not getting enough protein.” Still others might offer healthy alternatives, such as fruit. Yep. I know. I would live it up if I wanted to buy a new wardrobe. I would add protein to my diet, but I am married to a rancher who ensures my meat intake is plenty high. I would eat healthy alternatives if bananas tasted like chocolate.

My one consolation is this: I’m admitting my cravings for all to read, which means I care. Oh, and the weather is getting better, so I might actually be able to put my extra energy intake to use!

Cravings, cravings go away. Come back only every-other day. 

Easter 2014

God Smiled at Me

I struggled this week to find an appropriate title. Here were some of the runner-ups:

Motherhood: Take Five

The Land of the Living

I See the Light

On Being Human Again

But God Smiled at Me works great for a number of reasons:

1.       Mothering Briggs brought me more joy and awe this week than any week prior, not because Briggs was less awesome the first month of his life, but simply because I felt less awesome and therefore was more consumed with me than I ever wish to be again.

2.       I have been sleeping well(ish) consistently, making me much more eager to celebrate the beauty of this life I’ve been given to share with AJ, Briggs, and everyone I encounter.

3.       Speaking of this life, the best way I can describe how I feel now compared with the first four weeks is captured in the alternate titles- I re-entered the land of the living, I see the light at the end of this maddening breastfeeding path, and in week five I might even be starting to enjoy it!

4.       I do believe I am falling in love with Briggs more each day…to the point of concern. Last night after AJ held him for awhile, I took him back in my arms and was afraid I might squeeze him a little too hard! Calm down, Emily… he is a hefty 5 week-old, but an infant none-the-less.

5.       My mastitis has finally cleared (knock on all the wood you can find). I know it can return, but I am incredibly grateful to my dear friend Molly who used her lactation consultant expertise (and personal experience) to help me discover the wonders of lecithin!

6.       And the main reason I chose this title…as of Sunday I am the newest pastor to be called to Columbia Congregational UCC (a small rural church with a wonderfully supportive congregation)!!!

This call has been a LONG time coming through God’s creative process. From the time I was 15 years old, I knew I was going to be in ministry. Since that time, I have embarked on an educational and experiential journey that has brought me to this moment. 13 years after my initial sense of calling, I have a concrete call to a church as their pastor! God indeed smiled upon my family and me this weekend. I could not ask for a more supportive husband than AJ & a better people-magnet than Briggs!

The best part of this call is the fact that the church’s expectations of my schedule are flexible enough for me to stay home with Briggs most of the work-week AND I have four months of maternity time before I officially begin! God indeed smiled upon this Munger family, and I am incredibly and whole-heartedly grateful for a week back in the land of the living.

Despite Mastitis, We Do Have Precious Moments

Tomorrow our baby boy will be one month old. Wow. I am attempting to surface from my “groundhog day” routine of nursing (and all that entails with a 2^nd severe round of mastitis), burping, changing diaper (and possibly sleeper), doing laundry, taking meds, trying to remember to consume something nutritious, nursing, etc. to reflect on all the precious moments of this past month.

But first I must be truthful about the last week. It wasn’t great. Yes we had great moments, which I fully intend to share, but I continue to feel so run-down (and occasionally miserable) due to mastitis (round two) and sleep deprivation. I don’t have the glorious glow of a new mother- it’s more like the sticky sheen of a mother who spends too much time obsessing over her milk supply. See I have too much milk production on one side, and in addition to drowning my baby each time he attempts to latch, this side insists on clogging up (hence the mastitis coming back, but I will save you the icky details of what this does to the milk coming from my left breast). I was told to expect my milk supply to regulate within a week or two…so now into the fifth week, I’ve become a bit frustrated.

But the positives! Yes, we have plenty. Thanks to my oversupply of milk (which happens to make me miserable), Briggs is gaining healthy weight at an astonishing rate. If our bathroom scale-- and our estimates while holding him-- are accurate, Briggs is nearly 12 pounds! He is a super baby- growing out of sleepers like crazy. And thanks to his quickly growing physique, my muscles are getting toned (or so I want to believe).

Also he has been sleeping well (enough for a newborn, that is). He generally goes down well after his feeding and only awakes every 3 to 4 fours for more. I count that as such a blessing, especially since recurrent mastitis is often attributed to stress and fatigue. So, I have a baby who is generally good about letting me sleep, if only my mind would shut off after each feeding and let me take advantage of my baby’s good sleep habits.

But I’m positive today, remember? So here is a list of the precious moments Briggs, AJ, & I have shared this past month:

1.       Yesterday we made a “Munger” pile on the couch, cuddling together in succession according to size. It was delightful and made me appreciate the reality that WE ARE A FAMILY (and we have a baby who likes to cuddle)!

2.       AJ & I often deliberate over what he will look like as he grows older. It’s fun to imagine this little baby becoming a strong, healthy, and passionate little boy.

3.       I took Briggs to “show off his reflexes” for the Presentation College Dev Psych class last week, and the students (most of whom I know well) asked me great questions about being a mom. It was doubly great, since I got my extroversion fix (BTW- another blog post I considered… motherhood: an extrovert living an introvert’s dream) and Briggs got some major lovin’.

4.       AJ & I took Briggs grocery shopping, and as I carried him in a sling around the store, I couldn’t help but notice the joy a new little baby brings to complete strangers. I also thoroughly enjoyed playing the part of Proud Momma.

5.       Briggs makes such funny faces, we are often captivated by his infantile facial expressions- pouty when he’s full, smiley when he’s passing gas, eager when he’s hungry, adorable when he is basically everything else.

6.       Thanks in part to the struggles of this first month, AJ and I have had ample opportunities to reflect on the serious nature of parenting, the strain of adding an additional role within our own relationship, and the marvel of together creating a real live baby.

7.       Having a baby means family and friends are all-of-the-sudden super interested in us again, which is pretty awesome (remember the extrovert living an introverts’ dream bit?) I love visitors, cards, gifts, and all the well wishes on facebook.

8.       After I nurse Briggs I get to hold him close to my chest and recall the beauty of the labor and delivery process. He is such a miracle, and at the expense of sounding sappy, he is perfect.

So I will leave you with my advice for new moms after living my first month of motherhood: Survive. Setting any loftier a goal may result in frustration. So believe this (which is what others have told me), if you survive the first month, you are a REALLY great mom.

PS- Did I mention how much I love Briggs? He is truly the best (and most exhausting) addition to our family. And I tell him this every day.

Week Three: What is Sleep Again?

I know a thing or two about sleep, and I’m not just speaking of the way I successfully got 8-9 hours of sleep each night pre-baby. I did, and it was glorious (and necessary). However, I also took a class in grad school on sleep: Sleep, Surrender, and Sabbath. I read Dr. William Dement’s book on sleep in its entirety, and I became an avid advocate for sleep amidst a sea of sleep-deprived friends and family.

I know sleep (but I will spare you all the lectures I have prepared for those who underestimate the power of sleep), which is why I know that it is completely normal for me to feel terribly and horribly out of sorts during this “what is sleep again?” phase of motherhood. Week three was so much better on many other counts- his nursing has gone from a D- the first week, to a C the second week, to a B+ the third week. Serious improvement.

However, the lack of sleep aspect of my new life becomes compounded as the days go by, resulting in an episode last Thursday evening during which I thought I might actually go crazy if I did not sleep more than 3 hours in a row- THAT NIGHT! So, I pumped and AJ fed Briggs with a bottle, and I slept SEVEN hours in a row. Now, perhaps only new moms will fully appreciate the significance of that statement. And again the next night, I slept nearly the same amount!

One might think this put me in mommy heaven. And it did, to a certain extent. I was much more productive in the days following, but as grateful as I was for those two 7-hour stints (which, I might remind you, is still less than I was sleeping PER NIGHT prior to baby), my “what is sleep again?” headache remains with me. The arithmetic of sleep during this period of my life reveals severe sleep deprivation. This, as I learned from Dr. Dement, is my sleep debt.

And let me tell you….I owe a BIG sleep debt to myself.

So the moral of my third week sleep story is this: Although I am sleeping for longer stretches after re-arranging my routine and attitude toward feeding Briggs vs. my personal need for sleep, I am still utterly and completely tired. Mostly all the time.

I love Briggs; I love holding him, whispering loving thoughts as I gaze at his beautiful face. I love being his mom. But I do NOT love the lack of sleep- and I don’t believe there is any need to sugar coat this aspect of motherhood, because sleep is important. This is what I know about myself: I am a better person when I sleep well, and no amount of loving affection will erase my physiological sleep debt.

So here’s to all the ways that poetic sayings like, “love makes us do crazy things,” and “it’s worth it in the end,” and “believe it or not, you will miss this phase” get new mothers through the “what is sleep again?” stage of parenting.

Make no mistake, poetic thoughts are nice (perhaps necessary for some) but the need to attend to my sleep debt deserves my full attention, and I will continue to take sleep as seriously as I learned in my grad school course.

Here's my poetic plea: Sleep, please come back soon, I miss you.

It (slowly) Gets Better

My last post was true, raw, and a bit disheartening to any expectant first-time mothers. Although I definitely don’t apologize for sharing my first week story, I am happy to share a somewhat different story from week two. It was better.

Home together all week, we had plenty of Mommy and Me time

First of all, my own health immediately improved after beginning the antibiotics for mastitis, my nipples healed, and after several exhausting days, Briggs finally learned to latch! Breastfeeding is one of those topics that I previously thought little about, other than, “well of course I will breastfeed my baby!” After all, my sister makes it look so easy, and the literature is ripe with the benefits, basically suggesting that new moms who have difficulty breastfeeding should never stop trying. What the literature largely lacks is the honest truth about the tedious, painful, and exhausting road some babies and mothers embark upon in order to reach the glorious “pleasant and enjoyable experience” of breastfeeding.

Ugh. It was NOT pleasant or enjoyable for me, even in week two. Especially when I contemplate that I spend AT LEAST 8 hours a day with Briggs at my breast, it makes sense that the amount of time people pour into full-time jobs was basically the amount of time I spent demoralized about our latching issues. Now shortly into week three, I am thrilled to say that we are getting the hang of it. So I say kudos to the breastfeeding experts who acknowledge that what may be natural is certainly not easy, or necessarily enjoyable. It’s hard work, perhaps harder work than I’ve encountered in quite awhile.

But on to the positive. My mother (who, by the way, helped out immensely my first week at home and is the reason AJ & I stayed sane) said my last post lacked anything positive, so here goes… Here are a few things that made week two better than week one:

1.       I could move around with less thought regarding stitches, pain, etc.

2.       I took a few walks that did not end with me out of breath after 5 minutes.

3.       I was able to discontinue my pain meds.

4.       I received more sleep (not enough sleep, simply more) than week one.

5.       I established a routine of sorts for when, where, and how to care for myself.

6.       I lost a considerable amount of weight- always a plus!

7.       My appetite improved, although so did my intake of junk food. Oops!

8.       I had more energy to put toward celebrating the beauty of Briggs’ creation with my husband.

9.       AJ & I went on our first date away from Briggs (Although I admit it felt weird).

I 0.    I spent a considerable amount of time staring into the eyes of the baby God gave us.

Week two was better.

And week three is off to an excellent start. Here’s to living into the words that many mothers have shared with me- it gets (slowly) better.

Thoughts on Being a New Mom

Briggs Allen Munger has arrived! And we are so grateful for his health, his dashingly handsome appearance, and his relatively generous sleep patterns. Born at 8 lbs 11oz and 20.5 inches long, he was born the exact average birth weight of his parents. He eats well, is rarely fussy, and is overall a really great baby.

Now on to motherhood. My reflections are in no way a scale of my love for Briggs, because I honestly couldn’t love him any more or less. He is my son, and when I let myself think about the implications of that statement, I am blown away with awe.

Still, being a new mom is dangerously difficult. I say dangerously in part because as a stable, privileged American mom with a great support network, I can actually say I understand the impetus behind mothers who commit tragic atrocities against their children in the throes of being new moms. I of course do not condone such actions, but I understand them now in a way my pre-baby self simply could not. If I think about my past week-and-a-half while simultaneously stripping away my support network, income privileges, education, sound mental health, environmental calm, etc., I am honestly not sure how I would have gotten through without dangerous thoughts.

I’m not attempting to be dramatic. Rather, I hope to draw attention to the moments of frustration—almost anger—I have recently experienced to highlight what often goes unsaid (by new mothers included) in the first weeks of being a mommy. First this- the congratulations are great, the words of encouragement appreciated, and the feel of a newborn in my arms is wonderful. But none of these override the exhaustion; the difficulty balancing care for self, infant care, and spousal inclusion; remembering to take meds; constantly second-guessing all the knowledge I so dutifully absorbed pre-baby; the fever, chills, light-headed feeling, and massive headache of mastitis; sore breasts (to the point of making showering a painful task); recovering from the bodily trauma of delivery, and trying to overlook all the housework that I so desperately wanted to complete.

If I were to think theoretically about this, I might say my experience confirms Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, in which an individual requires certain need thresholds be met in order to be motivated toward obtaining the next tier of needs. The foundational needs are as follows: food, sex, sleep, excretion, breathing, water, and homeostasis. I was meeting exactly three of the seven, although breathing was occasionally difficult, I needed to be reminded to eat, and despite the gallons of water I drank, I was slightly dehydrated for days.

And so my frustrations begin to make sense. I could not care adequately for myself, so the “joys of motherhood” that I so desperately wanted to experience eluded me. This is not to say that I didn’t have moments of joy, because I couldn’t help but discover joy in Briggs’ serene face after a feeding. He is truly remarkable, and it gives me pleasure holding him while he happily coos.

Even so, being a new mom is not romantic. It is not a time filled with rainbows and butterflies. It is a time when you fear pulling your stitches out maintaining basic bodily functions. It is a time when you lie awake at night, wondering if someone will pop into your room at 4am to take your blood pressure or ask what picture to use for the hospital birth announcement. It is a time your hormones overtake your body, causing you to cry when your husband reminds you to take your prenatal vitamin. It is a time when your nipples hurt so badly you think about ways to discipline your (innocent) newborn. It is a time that lasts for eternity, causing you to wonder if you will someday change out of your nursing nightgown? It is a time your body and mind are not quite in sync, and the process of aligning the two often turns into tears.

Perhaps new mothers have spoken about this dangerously difficult first few weeks and I have simply not listened. This is possible, because who wants to think their first week home with an adorable baby will be THAT difficult? Perhaps it’s not so difficult for every new mom, but I write this for myself, I write this for new moms who need to be validated in their experience, and I write this for the sake of truth-telling.

My first week of being a new mom was not awesome. There, I said it. Positive, happy-go-lucky Emily did not have a great week. Week two now, and I’m still in the throes of this experience, but I’m sleeping more, taking fewer meds, my stitched parts have healed, and I am more confident about how to handle various situations. Even so, Briggs and I are still working on his latching issues, I’m still fighting off mastitis, and those pesky hormones still arise to remind me of how well I cry.

I will save my moments of joy for another post. Rest assured I have them, and I’m becoming more confident that one day this whole mothering routine will suite me, but for now I’d like to keep this post focused on the difficult truth of my first week as a new mom- it wasn’t wonderful. Here’s to a better week two.